Today was a hard day

Yeah, today was hard, to say the leaset. I get frustrated when I'm writing this right now because so much of me just doesn't feel good enough. I know I deserve, deserve is the wrong word, I don't know what word is right so I'll take it. I deserve to be here just as much as anybody, but some part of me is just, so afraid. I was washing my face tonight and thinking about the drive to murfreesboro and how don't ever want to make that drive again, ever. But I HAVE to move forward. I HAVE to stop telling myself that I'm not good enough. I HAVE to stop being afraid. It's that simple. Moving forward takes actiona nd initiative. It just does and I have to DO.

ehch. today I presented something from the book the prophet by kahlil gibran in adler class. the book is all about the ideas, the BIG ideas that affect humanity and we had to choose one to present (get the book, read it, understand it by the way). so i went up there and i tried to give away the big idea. patrick my teacher stopped me and told me that i needed to use basically what i had, my experiences, my personal life. and i swear it was one of the most vulnerable but freeing experiences ive ever had. there was nothing but the present. and i said somethings that i couldn't believe that i opened my mouth and let people in to. i don't know--like the fact that i sleep next to the wall with a pillow beside me and a small corner of my old blanket draped across my side and lower back because i imagine that instead of a blanket there will someday be my husbands arm around me and i will feel beautiful. the fact that when i'm walking down the street i look in every shop window and mirror to make sure i look okay. to fix my hair. to keep up this illusion of trying to be "beautiful". the fact taht i have arm fat and i get disgusted by my stomach still and compare myself to girls who are half my size hoping that if i could only be like them then i would be beautiful. the truth that i am mortified when i wear a leotard leggings and a skirt to movement class and the teacher tells me to take off my skirt and then everyone can seel the places where my body curves or sticks out or my panty lines and my roll indentions. things like that. but the fact that i have to understand that beauty isn't about any of those things. the fact that beauty isn't something to be obtained--it is freely given and should be received. it is forever in action like "a garden always growing or a flock of angels always in flight". gibran says that beauty is life when life unveils her holy face. but we are life and we are the veil. we don't look each other in the eyes and exchange beauty. we hoarde it and de-sanctify it. we plasticize it. we turn beauty from something unique and ethereal into something whorish and simply tactile.

i'm going to stop because im just rambling. but i am so passionate about beauty. so very passionate. mm it radiates, it pulses, it just is so warm and i want to bask in it.
just think about beauty.
and look people in the eyes when you talk to them because you'll see something.