1 year

It's been almost 1 year since I came up to the lovely and smoggy new york city. I can't believe it, really. Tomorrow I'm going in for a final performance of scenes and I'm not scared shitless like I used to be....instead I'm excited, scared, basically open to anything happening and dealing with it as it comes. there's so much joy in the unknown. i think i've discovered that this year. as i was going to sleep a few nights ago, i began to make a list of all the memories/discoveries that i've made since last may---in no specific or important order:
1. everyone is now aware that i love to peel paint. i peel old radiators, bathtubs, walls. the peeling paint on subway ceilings really taunts me.
2. the never-rotting apple outside of stella adler during the summer. it was a feat of nature.
3. artichoke pizza and union square with chase
4. singing 'three's company' with kevin and ashley in the teeny tiny 3rd floor kitchen with no faucet
5. seeing 'the seagull' on broadway and being utterly enrapt for 2 hours
6. the promenade--i still go there when i'm feeling homesick
7. lint-rolling my entire room---it's a new form of vacuuming
8. ice cream runs at 3am
9. the new discovery of saltines+icing
10. getting caught in a rainstorm inside 'Heights Books'. it's now closed down.
11. governor's island bicycling. going inside haunted prisons and eating lemon ice with kelsey and discussing 'diving bell and the butterfly'
12. first audition for student film. oh heavens.
13. anthony paige and late night carroll gardens diner runs
14. going to the abandoned zombie yard in red hook with anthony
15. tea and sympathy
16. gray's papaya hot dogs are NOT worth crossing central park for. thanks A LOT chase
17. extraordinary coincidences
18. learning that new yorkers and foreigners kiss each other on the cheeks all the time
19. the 6am commutes on the Long island railroad to Ronkonkoma
20. chris at the Fall Cafe makes the best vanilla lattes. i know his name but i'm too scared to say it.
21. cinnamon raisin bagels have been my comfort foods.
22. the humming song of the subway when it leaves the station
23. getting my foot stuck in a subway door and thinking i was going to die for .5 seconds
24. waiting in line to see 'dark night' for way too long
25. tap dancing on roofs in brooklyn
26. crunching leaves with kelsey
27. 2am cookie delivery
28. following woody allen's best friend, the tree-toucher
29. halloween in new york, just don't go there
30. the year of making banana bread.
31. the old woman who always walks around the neighborhood and wears a pink hat and oakley sunglasses and scowls.

.....i'm done for now. no one will probably understand all these, but it's ok.

Ye Olde

I'm just guessing, but since it's been a monthe there have probably been a lot of things in my life that I haven't updated on. Most recently, I have decided to become a connoisseur of olde english and tack on an extra silent 'e' to whatever I feel like needs/warrants some pizzaz(e) in my life.

not really.

i think i've become more sarcastic and cynical lately and i don't know why? am i becoming one of those jaded new yorkers? maybe--because sitting room on the subway becomes prize treasure that i will indeed fight for. on the subway i did see kenneth the page from 30 rock and almost peed my pants. i tried to be oh so cool when i got on the train, but i saw him and unbeknownst to me, my heart did a huge break dance k-kick spin around into my throat. so i was cool. i kept it together. i ran through my mind the various things that i could say to him. i deemed all evasive and possibly inappropriate. so i sat 6 or so seats away and did my best rendering of nonchalance. and then. the moment where i realized kenneth the page was a real human being...

we made eye contact.

ugh. stupid stupid stupid. i should've been the one to hold the eye contact, to smile, no smirk (would that be creepy?) at least. but i, like an awkward, obviously star-struck human ripped my glance back to my book of O'Neill plays. great jessika. just great, you could've been a normal human being making eye contact with kenneth the page, he could've become intrigued by your boldness to commit to eye contact, even to an awkward level, he could've smiled and THEN told me that he wants me to help out on the next episode of 30 rock and that I and Tina Fey would be the best of friends or I could at least pick up her latte and babysit for her every other week and then I'd get a background part on 30 rock which would bump up to a recurring role as kenneth the page's sister, or even better, his secret love and then we fall in love and get married in page suits with tina fey as the maid of honor and lorne michaels officiating.

that's what i missed out on, dammit.
it's 6:30am, this is what my brain is like at 6:30am.

also, i am thoroughly disgusted with myself for eating icing out of the container with a fork last night. who does that? i then reminded myself of the 'spread' that many women get and that made me put the fork down and fight the dreaded spread (in all senses of the word).

ramble # 99: walked home in the rain yesterday. looked like the girl from 'the ring'. decided i would NEVER want to kiss in the rain--it's like the sky is spitting on your face when you're cold and shivering and your mascara's running and now you have clump lashes. dancing in the rain is different, i mean, if i had a yellow slicker and a lamp post and could tap as well as gene kelly, it wouldn't matter if it was a flash flood.

i've got to make coffee now. expect more updates (hopefully less cynical) soon.