bang bang bang

man on the subway rattlin' around for change singin' sam cook amongst the gum chewing, ear-plugged, stiff spine cartload of suits and their attache cases on the F train early this mornin'. a man standin next to me already had a small pool under his arm as he leaned against the silver pole gripping tightly while his sweat loosened his baby rattle clasp. somebody had pancakes this mornin. heapin stack of flapjacks with a slab or two of butter and god-forbid aunt jemima syrup. butter him up before he goes to work honey, you're not a fifties wife but baby feed your man.
jingle jangle, clinking up and down the man saddles through the subway car, meetin eyes of neighbors, strangers to everyone else, friends to him. "a change is gonna come" he sings as his voice grows closer and less faint to my muffled eardrums. he goes into a verse that i've never heard before, one of those verses that you skip over like in hymnals, only singin 1,2,5 amen. a man waves a dollar his way as his voice carries him past, kind, raspy, worn and cold. he's still singin' "a change gonna come" he's on his own verse now. 2nd Avenue stop. a group of suits and sleek boots rise as a unit and hastily canter out of the car.
this time he speaks 'change gonna come' 'change gonna come' 'be thankful you alive today and you have one more chance to get it right. be thankful for that and jus smile. jus smile...it won't mess up yer hair' i hid my smirk behind my coffee, smiling only at reflections meeting my gaze in the dark window. West 4 street. Excuse me. thank you. whispered apologies that need not be said. another chance today.
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heard gunshots reverberatin' outside my window tonight. one two three. breath. hand on the trigger. bustle up that jolt of courage. FOUR. i undress in my lukewarm room and can feel every potential splinter in the scuffed hardwood underneath my feet as the gunshots hit a bull's eye directly into my eardrum and stay there, echoing. i barely have my pajamas on when FOUR rings out and i cover my eyes and stay. wait. wait.wait. i'm not unsafe. i don't feel unsafe.
someone just died.
the wind blows swiftly in the trees outside my window carrying with it the sounds of screen doors creaking open only to slam shut and the revs of engine motors barreling down my street, bee-lining with no regard to any warm body standing in the way. i don't know why i cover my eyes when i hear the familiar shots. i shouldn't be surprised anymore. i can go to sleep tonight safe in my nook, underneath my covers, dreaming of stars and fields and christmas and the warm bear hugs of friends and the enveloping arms of laughter.
it's raining outside now. and tomorrow's a new day.
'change gonna come'