Snippets and Scraps

I just found these little 2am writings on a sticky note and thought that I'd post them. Maybe I'll actually use them for something someday, who knows?

ONE:
sometimes i don't even know which hand is my left anymore. I wear rings on both of my ring fingers hoping that maybe one day i'll have it there permanently. or maybe im just trying it out on both fingers because i knew this one teacher in primary school who had his ring finger chopped off by this huge stateue when he was three. now he walks around with a ring on his nub of a finger. i would rather just try it out on my right hand instead of putting a ring on a left nub.
TWO:
she walked as if her shoes were a size and half too small. like a person who would curl up her toes at the edge of her shoe, wincing with every step as the sides of her pinky toe dug into the side of the soft canvas shoe. a highly uncomfortable situation.
i lost it.

sorry these are both utterly rediculous

Can I please be a flapper doing the charleston in the woods with my lumberjack husband already?

i think that was the most rediculous title that this post could follow, but it doesn't really matter. i think i'm stretching and im not adapting well to this change at all. I feel either like my veing is just wanting to be free of my body and i'm just bursting at the seams to escape the one thing that i can't-myself. either that or my skin is just hanging off of my bones while this little light, this meager ember of a person is perched inside my ribcage just barely fighting to hang on. tht sounds so rediculous and depressing, but i guess i can't really describe it. one thing that i know is true--londliness is the worst feeling that the human soul can experience. it's such an odd thing too. we have all these people around us, begging to be loved, to be a part of other people's lives to be "a small piece of furniture" in someone elses life and yet we're too afraid to ask. i'm too afraid to call anyone, to be vulnerable, to say ntohting and everything all at once. i'm afraid that if i tell someone something, they won't want to be near me for fear that i'll unload on them everytime we see each other...and i don't want that because i won't. it's hard to think about what true friendship is---and if in fact, the friends that you have are true friends. the ones that won't care if you cry around them. the ones that you can sit for hours just saying nothing. the ones that you want to just be there and they know that all they have to do is be present. they don't have to fix. they don't have to advise. they just have to be. those few friends that i do have like that, the ones i can really be awkward or quirky or weird, or unladylike, or childish around--those are the ones i want.
i think i've realized in the past few years how importatn friends are and how sometimes you have those friends who blur into the realm of family, and that's just a beautiful thing.

this rambling makes no sense, but i'm not trying to be a novelist, so it's ok.

i love what my friend ashley said to me today at the end of an email

"here's to getting the moon"

so simple. and just simply beautifullly put. thanks ashley for making my night and making me feel like i lived in the 20s at least once today

what an aweful (in the fullness of awe sense of the wword) kind of adveture would it be to just pick up and drop through the earth,to hold your breath and let your toes mingle with the sands of soil until you are no more but a part of teh gardenia dirt under the feet of old women in their overgrow overloved gardens. How I wish I could hold my breath for as long or even longer than I used to when I was six and I would drop to the bottom of the shallow end of the pool and open my eyes to this silent, bubbly bright world around me while my cheeks puff out even further, teh air pushing against my body beckoning to return to the surgace. But I want to stay sunk. Sunk underwater where there are no words, just the beauty of mothers swimming by with their ruby red painted toenails, holding up their little babies who can't seem to understand that floaties, not mamas arms are what are keeping them above water. Everything is still when you sink--except it's also so alive, but in a sort of slow motion, fighting agains this force that wants to keep everything calm and still and soft.
I want to layin my bed right now and not feel pulled down from the springs like tentacles coming up through my cotton brentwood 900 count sheets to strangle me. I want to sink lower and lower like into a mold of myself and drop to the other side of the world. take a tripw here my heart is for once out of my chest and working to stay alive, and where my stomach jumps up and does acrobats in my throat. I love that ffeeling. crave it in fact. everyone should once in a while. i[m not scared of what's ahead...i'm afraid like a little kid would be. but i don't know when. thank God he has a plan even though right now i feel like becoming mush and sinking through the cracks. Thank God for love and beauty and silence.