Right now my life just is in the present. and I'm not scared. For some reason sitting here on this Saturday morning where my life could be a complete trainwreck because of me playing tug-of-war with God over control and plans and worries just isn't. there's no tug-of-war, no competition for control. just me standing in an open field just ready and moving forward. and there's this anxiety deep down that pulses inside me, but it's also an unknowingness, a sort of tingling suspense that just breathes life into me. but i have peace. I'm not scared for some reason. and i don't know why. I'm auditioning for Atlantic theatre school on July 11 and i have no idea what the hell i'm doing either if i do or don't get in. and for some reason that excites me but it doesn't scare me. i don't know why. for some reason in this city, i just feel extracted from everything i know and that i am just being, just alive in the present which is such a rushing sense of light and joy and aliveness that i am a human being but so much more than merely human. i met up with my cousin jason on thursday and he's 36, writing, acting and co-directing a pilot for FX and if the network picks it up it could be really great for him--really really great for him. and it's so cool just to sit down with someone who's almost double your age and ask them if they've got it all figured out yet and to hear them say no--but just enjoy it. i don't want to live my life trying to figure everything out--i need to learn how to bask in the mystery-how to experience it instead of figure it out or intellectualize it, you know? for some reason i have peace right now because for once in my life and hopefully for years to come i feel deep down in my heart and in my sinews and bones and everything that's inside me that i'm doiong something right--and it's not because of me or anything that i decided to do, it's just letting go. just letting go and not worrying and taking action and not giving into fear. because that's one of the hardest things to do is not give into fear. i swear that people blame all their worries and complaints on external things when it all comes down to the stripped away bare fear that stops us all in our tracks and leaves us pillaged and living merely human, settled, merely satisfying lives. i'm 20 years old and i'm not going to live that way for the rest of my life--be it 5 more years or 70 more years. i just refuse.
on a side note-1. i saw spring awakening 2. ashley has a stalker/lover 3. i have decided that i don't hate WALL.E 4. i am now a regular at starbucks and need to work at one but i don't have a freaking hat 5. i love watching babies on subways 6. i have survived 2 weeks without grocery shopping 7. when i am awkward i revert to playing with animals and will go looking for them even at a party
also, people should check out my friend Will's writing. it's fabulous.
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2 comments:
This was fantastic. And I'm glad you saw Wall*E despite the fact that you HATED him in the trailers. I will say this, Pixar never has great trailers but they've also never let me down. Hope you're doing well!
i love your writing. i feel like I'm reading your diary or something, but i just can't turn away. Steve Earl once stated something about Patty Griffin's songs. He said Patty’s songs “make most people a little uncomfortable--like they've just walked in on a private moment in someone else's life and they know they should turn around and tiptoe away, but they can't. They make me jealous." Her songs make him jealous, just as your ability to just write exactly how you feel or write whatever mood your in, just makes me jealous.
i meant to comment on this a while back. i'm glad you didn't hate WALL-E, because i liked it a lot. My roomie, Ethan, has now seen it 3 times in theatres. Wall-E was the most endearing character I've probably ever seen.
And hey! -- thanks for telling people to look at my blog.
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