herz schmerz

there was once a man who was never a boy.
he always wore a clip on tie and asked for coffee in his bottles.
his name was sam.
sam grew up as normal children do, with all his book reports and good night stories and fears of monsters in basement crannies.
but sam was never squeezed. ever so tightly, ever so warmly. he was never rocked, his hair was never smoothed and combed through by a mother's fingers.
and slowly sam begin to forget that touch was such a sense.
to him there were only four.
sometimes sam would lay in bed at night illuminated by his white nightlight and play shadowpuppets on the wall. he would take both of his hands and squeeze them tightly together until his face was red and his fingers tired from hugging so desperately around each other. but it wasn't the same.
and sam grew up as most men do. but he never fell in love.
and one day, something inside him dropped. with a thump and a purple feeling.
sam would diagnose this bruise.
and sam became samuel, phd. the doctor specializing in herz schmerz.

up and at'em

i never understood that phrase when my dad used to wake me up on saturdays by stomping upstairs and banging on a huge metal pot. up and at'em? really dad.
today. today i am going to be productive. i don't plan on it. i will be.
today i'm putting a letter in the mailbox to my sister from hogwarts. because she dreamt about getting accepted into hogwarts when she was 12 and now she's 19 and i'm feeling creative.
today i'm going to hang out with friends, even with friends that i don't really know and am scared to hang out with because i'm afraid of awkward moments or not knowing what to say or that i'll be that kid on the playground that looks nice, but secretly smells and eats dirt (neither of which i do, but still).

today is going to be a good day and i'm going to decide to be happy.

half the summer, good heavens

i know i know i know
i haven't written in over a month.
it's been for good reasons, i promise. i've been making that cash money yo.
(i keep second-guessing if that was too ghetto for me to say, but it doesn't matter)

tonight i feel like that little sick child colin in the secret garden.
granted, i don't have to take ice baths or live in a huge mansion with a mean old biddy, but i am still cooped up under my down blanket drinking cranberry juice. i don't know what's wrong with me honestly.

i've been feeling quite. dull. spacey. wandering. lately.
every time i go out of my house i want to yell at the top of my lungs and just YELL/SHOUT/SCREAM.
maybe i'm outgrowing my comfort zone, but i'm clinging to all the things that i think will keep me safe because i'm afraid of jumping out and getting hurt. by life. by actually COMMITTING to something. by love?
i'm quite a cynic about love. oh boy oh boy, change is a'coming.

home again home again, jiggity jog

i'm back home in my bed--which alone is the size of my room in brooklyn, well almost. home still smells vaguely of cat pee in the summer time even though the last cat died last year--the smell will linger here for.ev.er. but i guess that's why i have a fan in my room and the choice to either use electricity or air conditioning--i choose the latter.
since coming home, i've gotten a job as a hostess at sambuca (thank heavens,) i've eaten at greasy greasy waffle house, i've gotten a few bear hugs, and i've been feeling uncomfortably old.
i don't know what this feeling is.
and i don't know how i feel about this feeling.

maybe i shouldn't psychoanalyze so much.
in other news, i'm going to experiment will the notion of not having to prove myself to people, but seeing what i have to give to them instead. also, just the idea of 'letting myself be loved' is something that is taking time to mull over. but i'm tired of closing my doors and pushing people away because i'm afraid.

so, i guess
i guess i'll just see what happens.

in other news, photobooth never grows old...especially on 20 hour car rides from new york to nashville.

I think I'm in love with making lists. i swear i'm going to be one of those old women who makes lists not out of necessity but out of enjoyment--like cataloging all the ceramic figurines in her house. hopefully i won't have ceramic figurines though, that would be an all time low. even lower than my grandma's nutcracker collection. heavens. anyways, i've got to get organized. i'm sitting here in brooklyn procrastinating analyzing a scene for script analysis because i could be WRONG, but whatever. i'll be productive in other ways. so this summer, i must move forward and not waste my time moping aroud wishing i had a boyfriend or wishing i did this or that or wishing i could be in europe. because, i'm just going to make things happen for myself. i'm tired of the waiting game.

1. read rainer maria rilke's works this summer--letters, quotations, ALL. i'm going to become quite well-versed in this area
2. look into applying for LAByrinth theater company's summer apprenticeship for next year
3. start looking into williamstown theater festival for next summer.
4. find a job where i can be a barista again and learn to make latte art. it's a secret passion.
5. go to arkansas and record nanny and grandad's stories. 1 week is alotted.
6. finish writing the stories that i start, and not be afraid to finish them.
7. read o'neill plays
8. read albee plays
9. read more than my brain can handle.
10. stop putting my thoughts in the 'incubation tank' because i'm too afraid that writing down what i'm thinking or feeling and i think that i need to hold it in and wait awhile and allow time to pass so that whatever i write down has time to become un-embarassing and less awkward. screw that, huh.
11. go camping.
12. watch charlie chaplin films
13. actually put on a bathing suit once this summer. i didn't wear one last summer and that's just sad. i'm fair-skinned, i know it, i'm cancer-free.
14. make an impromptu trip to the beach.
15. have more picnics.
16. learn to make snickerdoodles.
17. finish the script that i'm writing. write more.
18. figure out options for finishing my undergraduate degree. new york classes? claim ny residency? mtsu summer? scholarships, yes please.
19. get a cat.
20. wear fewer layers.
21. make my own skirts and dresses and just wear skirts and dresses and sandals all summer.
22. collaborate artistically with people i love.
23. finish 'heartbreaking work of staggering genius'
24. go rock climbing. for real.
25. have more sister days at the mercantile.
26. finish my french lessons.
27. become a wine connoisseur. or at least start.
28. help my mom plant flowers.
29. figure out my family tree. see grandma's old photos.
30. go to wafflehouse with will and ak and bo et. al

that's all for now. i'm sure i'll find more later. i've got to be held accountable for these, because there's no 'maybe' when it comes to making these things happen.

1 year

It's been almost 1 year since I came up to the lovely and smoggy new york city. I can't believe it, really. Tomorrow I'm going in for a final performance of scenes and I'm not scared shitless like I used to be....instead I'm excited, scared, basically open to anything happening and dealing with it as it comes. there's so much joy in the unknown. i think i've discovered that this year. as i was going to sleep a few nights ago, i began to make a list of all the memories/discoveries that i've made since last may---in no specific or important order:
1. everyone is now aware that i love to peel paint. i peel old radiators, bathtubs, walls. the peeling paint on subway ceilings really taunts me.
2. the never-rotting apple outside of stella adler during the summer. it was a feat of nature.
3. artichoke pizza and union square with chase
4. singing 'three's company' with kevin and ashley in the teeny tiny 3rd floor kitchen with no faucet
5. seeing 'the seagull' on broadway and being utterly enrapt for 2 hours
6. the promenade--i still go there when i'm feeling homesick
7. lint-rolling my entire room---it's a new form of vacuuming
8. ice cream runs at 3am
9. the new discovery of saltines+icing
10. getting caught in a rainstorm inside 'Heights Books'. it's now closed down.
11. governor's island bicycling. going inside haunted prisons and eating lemon ice with kelsey and discussing 'diving bell and the butterfly'
12. first audition for student film. oh heavens.
13. anthony paige and late night carroll gardens diner runs
14. going to the abandoned zombie yard in red hook with anthony
15. tea and sympathy
16. gray's papaya hot dogs are NOT worth crossing central park for. thanks A LOT chase
17. extraordinary coincidences
18. learning that new yorkers and foreigners kiss each other on the cheeks all the time
19. the 6am commutes on the Long island railroad to Ronkonkoma
20. chris at the Fall Cafe makes the best vanilla lattes. i know his name but i'm too scared to say it.
21. cinnamon raisin bagels have been my comfort foods.
22. the humming song of the subway when it leaves the station
23. getting my foot stuck in a subway door and thinking i was going to die for .5 seconds
24. waiting in line to see 'dark night' for way too long
25. tap dancing on roofs in brooklyn
26. crunching leaves with kelsey
27. 2am cookie delivery
28. following woody allen's best friend, the tree-toucher
29. halloween in new york, just don't go there
30. the year of making banana bread.
31. the old woman who always walks around the neighborhood and wears a pink hat and oakley sunglasses and scowls.

.....i'm done for now. no one will probably understand all these, but it's ok.

Ye Olde

I'm just guessing, but since it's been a monthe there have probably been a lot of things in my life that I haven't updated on. Most recently, I have decided to become a connoisseur of olde english and tack on an extra silent 'e' to whatever I feel like needs/warrants some pizzaz(e) in my life.

not really.

i think i've become more sarcastic and cynical lately and i don't know why? am i becoming one of those jaded new yorkers? maybe--because sitting room on the subway becomes prize treasure that i will indeed fight for. on the subway i did see kenneth the page from 30 rock and almost peed my pants. i tried to be oh so cool when i got on the train, but i saw him and unbeknownst to me, my heart did a huge break dance k-kick spin around into my throat. so i was cool. i kept it together. i ran through my mind the various things that i could say to him. i deemed all evasive and possibly inappropriate. so i sat 6 or so seats away and did my best rendering of nonchalance. and then. the moment where i realized kenneth the page was a real human being...

we made eye contact.

ugh. stupid stupid stupid. i should've been the one to hold the eye contact, to smile, no smirk (would that be creepy?) at least. but i, like an awkward, obviously star-struck human ripped my glance back to my book of O'Neill plays. great jessika. just great, you could've been a normal human being making eye contact with kenneth the page, he could've become intrigued by your boldness to commit to eye contact, even to an awkward level, he could've smiled and THEN told me that he wants me to help out on the next episode of 30 rock and that I and Tina Fey would be the best of friends or I could at least pick up her latte and babysit for her every other week and then I'd get a background part on 30 rock which would bump up to a recurring role as kenneth the page's sister, or even better, his secret love and then we fall in love and get married in page suits with tina fey as the maid of honor and lorne michaels officiating.

that's what i missed out on, dammit.
it's 6:30am, this is what my brain is like at 6:30am.

also, i am thoroughly disgusted with myself for eating icing out of the container with a fork last night. who does that? i then reminded myself of the 'spread' that many women get and that made me put the fork down and fight the dreaded spread (in all senses of the word).

ramble # 99: walked home in the rain yesterday. looked like the girl from 'the ring'. decided i would NEVER want to kiss in the rain--it's like the sky is spitting on your face when you're cold and shivering and your mascara's running and now you have clump lashes. dancing in the rain is different, i mean, if i had a yellow slicker and a lamp post and could tap as well as gene kelly, it wouldn't matter if it was a flash flood.

i've got to make coffee now. expect more updates (hopefully less cynical) soon.