now or never kiddos

well tomorrow is the big day.
i'm actually auditioning for Atlantic Conservatory and I'm so excited but nervous at the same time.
i believe that i can do this and if it isn't supposed to happen, then i'm in for something else exciting, i have to know this and believe this--which is so hard so so so hard sometimes.
i have no idea what my life's journey is going to look like. tomorrow could change a lot of things, or it could change nothing and i'm excited both ways--i have to be you know?
by the way i have no idea what the heck i'm doing and i still feel like a 5 year old compared to so many people. it's so weired living up here where everyone looks at me and sees me as innocent--which i am, but they assume i'm naive, which i'm not. yesterday in class i was doing a scene where my teacher told me that this scene was like being drunk. and i told her i've never been drunk before. and then i turned red and pulled my dress up over my face. 5 years old? 5 years old, but it's okay. created an awkward moment for everyone, but it was hilarious annnnd super embarassing.
i cannot tell anyone how scared i am about my life, because i really need to be alive and in every way, in every single moment of my life i HAVE to live or being here is of no use you know? i listen to my ipod i brush people off i don't talk to people that i want to talk to or tell them the things that i want to tell them like i love you or i'm proud of you or i'm freaking pissed at you because i love you. and the thing is, my life's too short not to say these things. oh man oh man oh man--we freaking walk around in masks because a) we're afraid that we don't know who we are and this way is safer or b) we know who we are but are convinced that people don't want us as we are, so we mask it, we bend it, we change to "please" or at least become the image and facade of something that we assume is "pleasing" to others. ugh. i really don't want to wear a mask anymore. it's too much work, it's sticky and soon enoguh if i keep putting it on, it will form to me and i'll just easily assimilate into some cheap mask and costume that the world has made up so that we can "cope". please, coping? really? coping is for people who don't believe in themselves enough to actually live instead of exist. it's settling. it's safe and slightly painful but it's safer than the possibility of getting burned and ending up broke in a stranger's home. and even though im scared to end up that way, it's exhilarating, it's freeing, it's raw and stripped and adventurous. and i've got to believe my life's going to be an adventure if i let it instead of a series of endless, joyless days and nights that drudge on. i'm here. i'm here. i'm here. and there's a reason.