wendybirdstory

i haven't written in quite a long time and i can't figure out why. i have so much to say and not enough words to rightly say it.
In august I'm moving to New York and starting school at Atlantic Conservatory and don't get me wrong, I'm very excited but at the same time I am shaking in my boots. I'm scared of living ini a world that I never knew as my own and I'm afraid of finding people who understand me. I'm afraid that I don't know what I'm doing with my life and that I don't have enough faith to carry me through to find out day by day what plan is unfolding. but i do. i doubt, but i do and it's not of my own doing.
i miss my friends. bo came up here last week and it was fabulous. i don't think i ever realized until he came up that he's another one of my friends taht I can just be content being silent around--which is freeing but weird. we were walking around Times Square each observing the brigh lights and the odd idiosyncrasies of the city and neither one of us spoke to the other, we just were. kym and i do that. we can just be laying around tint he same room and not feel like we have to entertain each other.
ugh i feel like i'm writing fluff. all of this is surface stuff. there's something boiling in my bones making my muscles ache and pulse with something that makes me angry at times adn so full that i just want to open up and pour out whatever it is that is making my skin ache because it's pressing my pores and seeping out every hair follicle and freckle. A few nights ago i had my first taste of what adulthood friends are like adn it was beautiful. i went over to my friend katie's hous on the corner of 76th and park avenue. katie's 3 and graduated from the new england conservatory with a degree in vocal performance--she's like a mother hen, but in the best best way. she's got the soul of a 50 year old mom who would die for her kids and the heart and wisdom of a soulful ella-fitzgeraldesque jazz singer. you could just imagine her saying "mmm HONey child" absolutely fabulous. Melis is 30 but she has the soul of a 62year-old and the vitality of a fresh twentysomething. she's from turkey and i've never seen someone so warm, bursting with rays of love and compassion from the tips of her fingers down through every orface and appendage to her toes. we ordered take-out, drank a bottle of wine, tipsily laughed and mused and searched and questioned each other and loved each other--talking about things that 50 year old women talk about, the things that are in the very essence and heart of humanity, and at the heart of a woman who is growing from teh awkward transitioning state of girl to woman. we stayed up til 4 laughing and fallling down and doubling over, losing our short term memory for brief hours and talking about love and life. it was beautifully joyful to be up here for only 8 weeks and be able to have a deeper-than-surface bond with two women who don't necessarily believe everything the same as i do, but love and know love with a fervor that is unmatchable. i never realized until i came up here how desperately in need of God i am. really--bread of life? it's true. and starving hurts. i find Him everywhere-from the rocky bay of brooklyn to the eyes of children on the subway giggling to the people who bum cigarettes and start conversations to the women that i've grown to call friends. He's everywhere-in everything, it just takes noticing. i'm scared, but this life is sure to be beautiful if i follow.

don't worry mom, i spent the night.