so today i:
had a coughing fit on the subway and looked like i had SARS/was sobbing
stood on the subway without holding on (it CAN be done!)
gargled 3 cups of saltwater (disgusting)
walked by right as a man pulled a woman into the street and laid a smooch right on her
(i felt awkward, then sad, then happy all at once)
saw a girl with an old cameo ring
thought i saw denzel washington, but was regretfully mistaken
ate strawberry gelato that was 5.25 in chelsea market
(and made my stomach hurt)
realized that i'm addicted to oyster crackers
ate a spoonful of honey hoping it would help my raw throat
mimicked some guy clip-clop staccato walking through carroll gardens
did NOT drink coffee
wanted to cuddle with a cat, not a kitten of my own
went (in route) to bed early

in chekhov class the other day, my teacher anya was talking about love and what an infinite, inexpressible phenomenon that it is. she heard this story of a child who was asked by his mother "how big is love? how big is your love for momma"
and instead of spreading his hands out and saying "THIS much" as so many kids do
he thought for a moment on "how big is love?"
and then he said
"it's the outside of the outside of the outside"

just think about that.

sometimes you just have to stand back from your life and say
ah.
ah.
okay.

and know that even with this ball of stress tucked up in the top of my ribcage
and even with the fact that i get awkward all the time
and blush
and have random zits on my face
at the worst possible time.

i know i'll wake up tomorrow and it'll all be ok.
i can be free. it's all in the letting go.
ah.
ah.
ok.

dear brooklyn home,
please let that GIANT cockroach that i saw on the toaster oven
last night be a figment of my imagination.
please somehow eliminate it from the universe.
i'd rather have a mouse if you must send a replacement.
love,
jessika

one hour too shy

oh, why didn't you muster up the courage to take your hand out from under the blanket?
silly silly silly
too scared too scared
just take out your hand and set it beside you.
it's that simple.
done done done
oh me.
silly silly silly

herz schmerz

there was once a man who was never a boy.
he always wore a clip on tie and asked for coffee in his bottles.
his name was sam.
sam grew up as normal children do, with all his book reports and good night stories and fears of monsters in basement crannies.
but sam was never squeezed. ever so tightly, ever so warmly. he was never rocked, his hair was never smoothed and combed through by a mother's fingers.
and slowly sam begin to forget that touch was such a sense.
to him there were only four.
sometimes sam would lay in bed at night illuminated by his white nightlight and play shadowpuppets on the wall. he would take both of his hands and squeeze them tightly together until his face was red and his fingers tired from hugging so desperately around each other. but it wasn't the same.
and sam grew up as most men do. but he never fell in love.
and one day, something inside him dropped. with a thump and a purple feeling.
sam would diagnose this bruise.
and sam became samuel, phd. the doctor specializing in herz schmerz.

up and at'em

i never understood that phrase when my dad used to wake me up on saturdays by stomping upstairs and banging on a huge metal pot. up and at'em? really dad.
today. today i am going to be productive. i don't plan on it. i will be.
today i'm putting a letter in the mailbox to my sister from hogwarts. because she dreamt about getting accepted into hogwarts when she was 12 and now she's 19 and i'm feeling creative.
today i'm going to hang out with friends, even with friends that i don't really know and am scared to hang out with because i'm afraid of awkward moments or not knowing what to say or that i'll be that kid on the playground that looks nice, but secretly smells and eats dirt (neither of which i do, but still).

today is going to be a good day and i'm going to decide to be happy.

half the summer, good heavens

i know i know i know
i haven't written in over a month.
it's been for good reasons, i promise. i've been making that cash money yo.
(i keep second-guessing if that was too ghetto for me to say, but it doesn't matter)

tonight i feel like that little sick child colin in the secret garden.
granted, i don't have to take ice baths or live in a huge mansion with a mean old biddy, but i am still cooped up under my down blanket drinking cranberry juice. i don't know what's wrong with me honestly.

i've been feeling quite. dull. spacey. wandering. lately.
every time i go out of my house i want to yell at the top of my lungs and just YELL/SHOUT/SCREAM.
maybe i'm outgrowing my comfort zone, but i'm clinging to all the things that i think will keep me safe because i'm afraid of jumping out and getting hurt. by life. by actually COMMITTING to something. by love?
i'm quite a cynic about love. oh boy oh boy, change is a'coming.