wendybirdstory

there's this horrible habit about me that i can't seem to shake. euch. i cant even admit it because it leaves a dirty taste in my mouth that's sour and lingering. procrastination. lack of umph. sometimes i wonder where all the faith in myself that i used to have the huge, childish dreamer in me has gone. i feel like i've turned into a cynic and my worst critic. but this must not be true, it cannot be true, i desparately hope it's not true. and i can't firgure out why i am all these things. has there been anything to make me lose my faith in myself? i don't know. was it ever there to begin with? why don't i believe in myself? is it because i think that i can't hold my own, that i'll never be skinny enough or pretty enough or just enough of enough to be anything worthwhile? this is so meladramatic, i need to get over this pity party. i think what procrastination and all these things stem from is fear. fear of failing, or succeding, fear of being vulnerable, fear of becoming someone that i might even like, fear of loving and actually actually accepting being loved, being worthy of being loved? is it possible. i hope so. this is such a rambling, but right now that's what's on my heart.
now i need to stop procrastinating
man oh man.