today's goal: to be

i just dropped my glasses in the toilet.

happiness is a choice isn't it? that's what i keep telling myself even though in my head i'm cursing up a storm. over glasses. really, jessika? really now.
lately i've been thinking about optimism and pessimism. i mean, i can never really remember a time when i wasn't the glass half empty kid. and i don't know why. what happened during my kid years that turned me into this doubtful, worrisome, cynical person? it's a choice. i think. i pray it's a choice. my friend chase says that i'm a 'realist' which is really a nice way of saying pessimist, it makes us (at least me) feel better. and the thing is, while i'm not a disney princess who enjoys sprinkles and rainbows, i can be happy. but even more than that, even more than the fake happy that is crest smiles and puppies and bows and jauncy walking--i can be joyful. joy. it's otherworldly and that makes it so much more desirable. and i know that happiness--theres a choice, but joy--thats tangible. i may not have the senses to feel it now, but it exists in that sixth mysterious sense--that's where you can experience it fully-touch,taste,feel,hear, smell--it's all those plus something i can't describe.
i crave that.

today i went outside without make-up on. and to many people, no big deal. they do that every day. not me. i'm not a high-maintenance gal, but i have this image of myself without makeup that is etched in my mind. a face without makeup is for me, my family and my pillow only. but today, christy said let's go, and i went. slipped on some rainboots, and left the house. i mean, i didn't have my contacts in either so if anyone gave me 'what the heck is that girl doing emerging from the house without makeup look' then i paid no mind to them, because unless they stared into my eyes 2 feet away from my face, they were justu another color-running blob in my field of vision. nice cop-out huh?

i have so much more to write that i've been thinking about, but it's late and i should be in bed 2 hours ago. i'm scared, i'm confused a lot, but somewhere deep down, buried there's a hope and a knowledge that everything's going to be ok, going to be beautiful.