I don't know where my bed is any more--and that's ok.

"You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself."

So today I took down everything that was me in the dormroom. My postcards. My Eiffel Tower picture mom and dad gave me when I came to college, the little french pictures kym brought me from New York. I took them all down and now everything that's me except for, actually me, i spushed into a pile in the middle of this room on a 3x5 scrap of carpet.
ANd I'm scared to death.
Maybe it's because yesterday I turned 20. Or maybe it's because I am so unsure of what I'm meant to do in this world and I'm doing this thing, taking this step, concoting this plan that could be all wrong. Really. Latel I've been so frustrated with myself because I keep having these doubts about acting--can I do it, can I do it for the right reasons and stay doing it for the right reasons, is there something else I'm meant to do, what if I fail, what if I'm too timid, what if I'm not pretty enough, what if I'm not good enough---all these things, these realities (that actually aren't but I've let them become so) are just pulsating around in my head punching my brain to a pulp and making me so utterly confused.
I don't know what I want to do with my life. But honestly, it's not up to me and what I want, and its so much better that way. I don't understand myself. IT's like I know that God exists, I know that He's the reason and purpose in my life, and I know that I should be talking to him, running to him, resting in him--but I haven't been and I can't figure out why. Is it because Im too prideful to just let go of everything and give up control--maybe. THat's what I feel like I'm doing right now--I feel like i've lost all of my control on things and it's just all up in the air--I have no idea of what's going to happen and that scares me more than anything has ever frightened me before.
I was thinking about it and I've never told anyone that I'm an actress, that that is who i am and that is that. Because it's not. My dad was asking me why I wanted to do this and the only thing that I can possibly figure out is that it is this window for truth. Maybe lots of things in life are, but to me, acting in its odd, backwards way is a porthole to show truth. I feel like walking around in this world is not living in reality. I don't think that people acknowledge reality, instead they chose to create their own and give it a label of "reality". I don't know, because I'm rambling on and I am just convinced that what I want to do, what I feel like my purpose as a Christian in this world right now is just to show truth, to show beauty, to show these inescapable things that are so much more real than money and cars and clothes and earthly beauty and competition and gosh I just don't know.
When it comes down to it, the only times I've felt truly alive, like in this oneness wiht God (getting into odd mumbo-jumbo here) is when I'm onstage and its nothing that I'm doing but everything that God's doing that brings joy into my life. It's the experience of being a vessel, of being used andit's the most amazing feeling. ANd I've only had that happen a few times--but to know that that experience has happened when I'm just being, letting go and being open to be vulnerable is the most joyous experience and something that I want to pursue. I don't know. I really don't know.
I feel like the only thing that matters in life is being turly alive, and I feel like it's something htat to be truly alive you have to realize the beauty of God and bask in that, become immersed in that love and living in that. It's so simple and so beautiful, yet so incomprehensible at times.
"We're so engaged in doing things to achieve purposes of outer value that we forget the inner value, the rapture that is associated with being alive, is what it is all about"

that rapture is what I live for, what I seek, it's what matters. and it's more than just survival or being aware of who you are and where you are--i'm convinced of that.