wendybirdstory

uagh! i haven't written in such a long time, i wan to say that so much has happened--and it probably has, but in my mind i just forget a whole whole lot. i am really bad at deadlines. really i think i've found out i am. and it's not that i can meet them or don't wnat to meet them--i just have no consequence for meeting them. jeepers. this hurts writing this. like that sinking feeling deep down in your chest where your heart is, or where your parents tell you your heart is when you're a little kid and you're playing doctor and trying to find the heartbeat with that little plastic yellow and blue stethoscope. i can't even place it. but i missed another deadline. it was a personal deadline. and i had all intentions of meeting it and doing it, but i just...didn't. WHY. why why why why why? i have no idea. and then i beat myself up about it (haven't got fully to that point yet) and then i have to move forward. I HAVE TO move forward i have to keep telling myself this. i have to stop talking to myself and just let my body do it. because there's no reason not to. today ashley and i went down to the radio city music hall to see the red carpet for the tony's. ash loves it--it's like how the academy awards are to me. but the whole time we were down there i couldn't stop thinking how weird our culture is. we line p to see people get out of cars with black windows to walk on some red carpet. everyone that isn't nominated for an award folows this unspoken rule of wearing black and i actually heard people on the streets say "wouldn't that be nice. people screaming your name" maybe i think too much about this stuff. i mean yeah it's glamourous and all, but it really amounts to what? people feeling obligated to get dressed up to walk around with this mask of celebrity on. we stood next to a little girl who was about 8 and she was telling a little boy a story, then a limo pulls up and she just starts screaming. she yells and shouts and yells to her dad " i don't know who it is but it's a celebrity!!! you're a celebrity! you're famous!!" it was just kind of sad to me to see this little kid have so much feeling towards someone just because they were a celebrity. i don't know. it was weird. i was just watching the man who was telling the limos to pull up and where to park. it was such a big to do. this guy was a heavy-set guy in a tan suit and dress shoes wearing sunglasses at 7pm who thought way too much about his job and thought he was in the parking car mafia. the funniest thing was how super pissed off he got when this tour bus somehow managed to get through and was just trying to go down the street. he started yelling at the bus and no one knew what to do--it was what they would call a "situation". dude, just let the bus through, no big deal right? wrong. i swear after the bus finally went through this man was standing there with clenched fists dangling off of his arms; he was trying to disguise the fact that he felt threatened at his job and wanted to maintain this weird facade of intimidation in his tan suit and camel shoes and sunglasses. it's just funny.
funny funny people

oh ps. i think im starting a book about seconds in people's lives. it's like looking through a photo album of strangers and in the few ticks of a second it takes to actually take in a photograph--it tells a story of a life. i'm thinking of calling it Momentics. that sounds weird but i don't care