wendybirdstory

i think i just love the word abide. i don't know why. it just kind of has this ring, this comfort to it. this wasn't the point of my post anyways.
So i had a long talk with mom last night and it was one of those that I probably should've journaled about because i know it's one of those conversatins that i'll be having with my children somedaya nd i think it's also one of those conversations tha informs the rest of your life. epic would be the word here. i think. no it is.
i always have these talks or moments where i just break down. it happened at college. it began happening senior year of highschool and it's happening now. i feel like when it happens i get so embarassed and so freed all at the same time. it comes down to the fact that i hate growing up. it's one thing that i can't do anything about, and i feel safe having control--and in my life right now, I need to just do. just be. and give up control to God. I need to stop living in this little world that I've created where I feel like I have to please everybody or that I'll never be good enough. that fear haunts me daily and it can't be remedied by someone telling me that I'm good enough or anything. I have to believe it for myself.
but then mom just said. it's not all about you. it's not. it really isn't. so who cares if i make a fool out of myself or if i live so that i'm drenched in joy and everyone thinks i'm crazy or if i put my all into pursuing him and have faith that he has something brilliant and joyful planned for me if i am faithful to give, to be open, to serve and move forwards. i was talking to my mom about being obedient--which is what i want to be because then it results in this beautiful strong connection, this heartstring between you and God and others. and it has this insumountable joy attached and i want that with every cell that's inside of me. thing is i don't know what to be obedient to. it's not like God sent me this checklist or whispered in my ear "hey jessika, i want you to do this and this and this--get to marking off the list" it's not like that. it's being open and available for every opportunity. it's being open for God to use you and flow through you and for you to just be an instrument, a bondservant to christ--which is inevitably delightful. so it's not about me thinking "what am i supposed to be obedient to. crap i don't know. i guess i'll just wait around" it's about taking steps and having faith that God will use you. Because it's not like you have to wait for God to do something or that anything you do will screw up his plans. please. wake up. he made the sun, i mean, really? you can't screw up his plans--you can just ignore them or choose not to be open. and then it's a missed opportunity to be used, to really FEEL joy and know God.
so. now, i need to be held accountable. i have to move forward and not just saying that i will. i have to not be concerned with how i look or talk, but just be a mirror and have peace. the ways of man guides his steps, but the lord directs his path. God, i hope in everything that i am that this is true.