wendybirdstory

today i left a letter to a friend on the subway
i have no idea who picked it up and who knows if anyone did
but i assume curiosity is common among all humans. i keep doubting myself like who i am-really at the core. and it hurts, but it's more of an ache than anything else. today my teacher told me that there is something cheap about me. something that i don't hold myself as expensive or with high worth. i was wearing a dress and he asked if i was pregnant and if i wasn't i needed to open up my heart, raise my chest and stick out. i kept telling myself 'i can't i can't i can't'. there comes a time in every female's life where she realizes the awkward but necessary and beautiful transition from little girl into woman. in my mind-i'm not a woman, i don't have it. the 'womanness' the beautiful natural and sometimes sensual quality that God inherently placed in every woman, or i don't know really. it is weird to stand in front of a classroom and know that someone can see right through you down into the very unseen fibers that hold you together. it's weird when a man that is 70 years old can see the deep dark sooty secrets that lie dormant at the bottom of my stomach and smoke up into my heart and are supressed by little girl awkwardness and chipmunk voices. i find that i'm learning more and more about myself more than anything else this summer. yes, of course i'm learning about acting, but more, much more, i'm learning about myself as a human being. about how hard it is to know who you are, about how much I need God to mold me because I sure as hell can't do it without falling completely apart into thousands of pieces.
i miss my mom