shellfish

today came banging down on my head like me in my rainboots standing under a waterfall and hit on the head with not gentle water, but banging clanging, heavy dishes.
two by fours.
i am such a selfish human being. i say it needs to stop but i don't do anything about it. i spend too much time on facebook, too mcuh time figuring out what outfit that i'm going to wear and planning on telling people that i just threw it together. i care too much about making my red hair look just so messy. i care too much about what people think. and i m caring too mcuh right now about me. about what to write. i am so very scared about the future. i really am. i scared that no one will ever love me enough--this is not a pteous thing, i promise. but really, i get scared that i pray for this guy, this best friend, and that's just not going to happen, im afraid of that. i'm afraid that by beating up on myself i am being selfish and thus am caught in this cycle of endless self-criticism and then it all boils down to me hating me, which is not loving people outside of me, which is what im meant to do. i wish all the selfishness and annoying things that satan throws against me could just dissolve becaues i really don't know how to fight and I need God to show up and fight them. i get afraid that my faith is just something that i tell and dont act out for fear of not knowing how to actcorrely or in what direction. i am so scared that in acting i'll becomes selfish and just do it for me and become so self-absorbed. and i don't want that. i hate that. i loathe that--and so it's always on my mind. endoing up where i don't want to be. the think lies in the fact that really, really truly i'm not actively committing. really. i am just being a sacka dn i have no ida why. pot called the kettle black at mr. sawyers house this week when i said the reason we don't commit is simple--we're not acting. it's simple to fix--just do.

and i need to do. to do outside of me. not for face or for looking good, or for church or God points , or whatever. i just want to be free and actually acept, no not accept love who i am created to be. not because it's me, but because in essence, it is not me. i don't know how many people will understand that, but it's ok. It's true, one thing does matter in this life--obedience to God and then all the joy and the hardness will come and the uncomfortable hard times that you just want to dissolve but then just when you think you're going to drown, or are so lost, something will happen. and even though it hurts, you'll realize youre alive.

i want to be alive. every single day of my life. i really do