dear brooklyn home,
please let that GIANT cockroach that i saw on the toaster oven
last night be a figment of my imagination.
please somehow eliminate it from the universe.
i'd rather have a mouse if you must send a replacement.
love,
jessika

one hour too shy

oh, why didn't you muster up the courage to take your hand out from under the blanket?
silly silly silly
too scared too scared
just take out your hand and set it beside you.
it's that simple.
done done done
oh me.
silly silly silly

herz schmerz

there was once a man who was never a boy.
he always wore a clip on tie and asked for coffee in his bottles.
his name was sam.
sam grew up as normal children do, with all his book reports and good night stories and fears of monsters in basement crannies.
but sam was never squeezed. ever so tightly, ever so warmly. he was never rocked, his hair was never smoothed and combed through by a mother's fingers.
and slowly sam begin to forget that touch was such a sense.
to him there were only four.
sometimes sam would lay in bed at night illuminated by his white nightlight and play shadowpuppets on the wall. he would take both of his hands and squeeze them tightly together until his face was red and his fingers tired from hugging so desperately around each other. but it wasn't the same.
and sam grew up as most men do. but he never fell in love.
and one day, something inside him dropped. with a thump and a purple feeling.
sam would diagnose this bruise.
and sam became samuel, phd. the doctor specializing in herz schmerz.

up and at'em

i never understood that phrase when my dad used to wake me up on saturdays by stomping upstairs and banging on a huge metal pot. up and at'em? really dad.
today. today i am going to be productive. i don't plan on it. i will be.
today i'm putting a letter in the mailbox to my sister from hogwarts. because she dreamt about getting accepted into hogwarts when she was 12 and now she's 19 and i'm feeling creative.
today i'm going to hang out with friends, even with friends that i don't really know and am scared to hang out with because i'm afraid of awkward moments or not knowing what to say or that i'll be that kid on the playground that looks nice, but secretly smells and eats dirt (neither of which i do, but still).

today is going to be a good day and i'm going to decide to be happy.

half the summer, good heavens

i know i know i know
i haven't written in over a month.
it's been for good reasons, i promise. i've been making that cash money yo.
(i keep second-guessing if that was too ghetto for me to say, but it doesn't matter)

tonight i feel like that little sick child colin in the secret garden.
granted, i don't have to take ice baths or live in a huge mansion with a mean old biddy, but i am still cooped up under my down blanket drinking cranberry juice. i don't know what's wrong with me honestly.

i've been feeling quite. dull. spacey. wandering. lately.
every time i go out of my house i want to yell at the top of my lungs and just YELL/SHOUT/SCREAM.
maybe i'm outgrowing my comfort zone, but i'm clinging to all the things that i think will keep me safe because i'm afraid of jumping out and getting hurt. by life. by actually COMMITTING to something. by love?
i'm quite a cynic about love. oh boy oh boy, change is a'coming.

home again home again, jiggity jog

i'm back home in my bed--which alone is the size of my room in brooklyn, well almost. home still smells vaguely of cat pee in the summer time even though the last cat died last year--the smell will linger here for.ev.er. but i guess that's why i have a fan in my room and the choice to either use electricity or air conditioning--i choose the latter.
since coming home, i've gotten a job as a hostess at sambuca (thank heavens,) i've eaten at greasy greasy waffle house, i've gotten a few bear hugs, and i've been feeling uncomfortably old.
i don't know what this feeling is.
and i don't know how i feel about this feeling.

maybe i shouldn't psychoanalyze so much.
in other news, i'm going to experiment will the notion of not having to prove myself to people, but seeing what i have to give to them instead. also, just the idea of 'letting myself be loved' is something that is taking time to mull over. but i'm tired of closing my doors and pushing people away because i'm afraid.

so, i guess
i guess i'll just see what happens.

in other news, photobooth never grows old...especially on 20 hour car rides from new york to nashville.

I think I'm in love with making lists. i swear i'm going to be one of those old women who makes lists not out of necessity but out of enjoyment--like cataloging all the ceramic figurines in her house. hopefully i won't have ceramic figurines though, that would be an all time low. even lower than my grandma's nutcracker collection. heavens. anyways, i've got to get organized. i'm sitting here in brooklyn procrastinating analyzing a scene for script analysis because i could be WRONG, but whatever. i'll be productive in other ways. so this summer, i must move forward and not waste my time moping aroud wishing i had a boyfriend or wishing i did this or that or wishing i could be in europe. because, i'm just going to make things happen for myself. i'm tired of the waiting game.

1. read rainer maria rilke's works this summer--letters, quotations, ALL. i'm going to become quite well-versed in this area
2. look into applying for LAByrinth theater company's summer apprenticeship for next year
3. start looking into williamstown theater festival for next summer.
4. find a job where i can be a barista again and learn to make latte art. it's a secret passion.
5. go to arkansas and record nanny and grandad's stories. 1 week is alotted.
6. finish writing the stories that i start, and not be afraid to finish them.
7. read o'neill plays
8. read albee plays
9. read more than my brain can handle.
10. stop putting my thoughts in the 'incubation tank' because i'm too afraid that writing down what i'm thinking or feeling and i think that i need to hold it in and wait awhile and allow time to pass so that whatever i write down has time to become un-embarassing and less awkward. screw that, huh.
11. go camping.
12. watch charlie chaplin films
13. actually put on a bathing suit once this summer. i didn't wear one last summer and that's just sad. i'm fair-skinned, i know it, i'm cancer-free.
14. make an impromptu trip to the beach.
15. have more picnics.
16. learn to make snickerdoodles.
17. finish the script that i'm writing. write more.
18. figure out options for finishing my undergraduate degree. new york classes? claim ny residency? mtsu summer? scholarships, yes please.
19. get a cat.
20. wear fewer layers.
21. make my own skirts and dresses and just wear skirts and dresses and sandals all summer.
22. collaborate artistically with people i love.
23. finish 'heartbreaking work of staggering genius'
24. go rock climbing. for real.
25. have more sister days at the mercantile.
26. finish my french lessons.
27. become a wine connoisseur. or at least start.
28. help my mom plant flowers.
29. figure out my family tree. see grandma's old photos.
30. go to wafflehouse with will and ak and bo et. al

that's all for now. i'm sure i'll find more later. i've got to be held accountable for these, because there's no 'maybe' when it comes to making these things happen.