roadtrip day 1&2

a letter a day

ok. so i'm trying something. and i don't really know why besides the fact that i can't control how it's received.
every day for the next few weeks i'm writing an anonymous letter to a stranger and leaving it in a public place. it's up to me to write the letter and leave it. it's up to some one, for some reason or another--whether it's curiosity or fate, to pick up the letter, read it, and hopefully do the same for someone else.

i think i was inspired to do this because a) no one writes letters anymore. handwriting is a lost art and i think it's one of the most beautiful gifts you can give b) for some reason, in whatever weird, i-don't-know-what-the-hell-i'm-doing-with-my-life state i'm in right now, i feel like i just need to send something out into the world. i don't know what i'm going to write in all the letters. maybe send someone on a scavenger hunt, maybe ask some questions, maybe tell a few secrets that you can only tell to strangers. who knows. and really, there's no way for me to see how anything's received, i can only imagine and maybe hope---for what? i don't know, but just hope.

i need to buy some more envelopes.

so. in with the new news.

i'm driving across the country this summer with my lovely best buddy rachael.
and i can't even tell you how excited i am. i was planning to stay up in nyc this summer, but with me not being certain if i had a job, and this opportunity just springing up--i had to take it.

i don't have many things that i'm absolutely positively sure that i have to do before i die, but driving across the country is one. so. on may 9(ish) i'm flying out to los angeles and then we make our break--las vegas, flagstaff, grand canyon---wherever the road leads us. and that's all right by me.

i wish i had a video camera on this trip. i've got a big question to ask and i'd like to ask strangers and see what they say. we'll see what happens along the way.

right now, i could really just punch you hard in the face.
i'm not a violent girl, but in an instant, that could all change.

sometimes people just deserve to get punched right smack dab in the kisser. and you are one of those people and now is one of those times.

maybe it's the way you just kept on talking when i was trying to tell you something exciting. or maybe it was that you didn't care after the fact. or maybe it's the way you never close your mouth when you chew and i can't listen to a word you're saying because i'm preoccupied by the slurping and smacking and lolling of your tongue trying to spit out word amidst a sea of meaty debris. i've always hated the sound of chewing. or maybe it's your scent that makes me want to punch you. i avoid everyone who smells like you because i'm afraid that it might indeed turn out to be you, and right now, i just don't want to talk--unless, of course, you're ready to get your lights punched out.

i really do want to punch you in the face, partly because i think you deserve it, partly because i've never punched anyone before, and partly because i'll be amused to hear the story that you come up with to explain your shiner. it'll be a good one and involve you in some sort of chivalrous role, no doubt. only you and i will know that i gave you one good punch and made you stumble backwards, and i could tell by the look on your face that you didn't even expect me to say 'i'm sorry.' i guess we're even now.

you guys/y'all

i've started saying y'all (again?) or maybe i've never really said it before living in nashville. there's something about living in new york that is making me want to OWN saying 'y'all' who knows

all this to say---i think i've moved to tumblr?? or maybe i jump back and forth between tumblr and blogspot. i don't really know how to work tumblr but that intrigues me--so check it out http://whyioughtta.tumblr.com/

i'll write somewhere

smattering smattering on the subway platform

f train notes:
women: why can't we be silent for a while instead of talking non-stop to fill the 'dead air' which is in fact, totally alive? i'm sure whatever guy we're with would rather just hold our hands anyway instead of being forced to nod and smile and pretend to understand that ridiculous fight we had with our mothers last week.

tonight:
it was odd and uncharacteristic tonight that i wanted to hold someone's hand. i wanted someone to lead me with their hand in the small of my back. why? is it because i'm lonely or interested? sometimes i can't tell and i'm too scared to decide. in uncertain terms i'm curious--and oddly happy.

this i know:
i know i want to travel. i know i want to be a part of a creative community, somewhere. i know that i want to fall so passionately in love. i know i want my husband to have rough whiskers and soft lips. i know i want to go camping with people i love and snuggle in sleeping bags too small for the both of us. i know i want to see the northern lights on a day where everything is vibrant and magical. i know i want to go to london and buy fresh produce and really have neighbors. i know i want to live in a house with a red door. i know i want to make my own recipe for apple pie. i know i want to be grabbed by the waist and spontaneously kissed. i know i want to not be obligated to a religion, but be alive in realized hope. i know i want to have a library like grandad's someday. i know i want to have someone to pass down mamaw's owl necklace to. i know i want to say 'i love you' first for once and mean it. i know i want to be with someone who sings, however off-key. i know i want to ride more horses. i know at my grandad's funeral i'll sing 'down by the old mill stream.' i know by the time i die i'll know where to find the best vanilla latte. i know that i'll teach my children how to say 'mama' and 'daddy' and 'go'. i know i look forward to the day when i'll get to have a daily chat with a four-year-old. i know there will be so many moments in my life when i'll sit back and say 'i'm so glad i met you.'

so today i:
had a coughing fit on the subway and looked like i had SARS/was sobbing
stood on the subway without holding on (it CAN be done!)
gargled 3 cups of saltwater (disgusting)
walked by right as a man pulled a woman into the street and laid a smooch right on her
(i felt awkward, then sad, then happy all at once)
saw a girl with an old cameo ring
thought i saw denzel washington, but was regretfully mistaken
ate strawberry gelato that was 5.25 in chelsea market
(and made my stomach hurt)
realized that i'm addicted to oyster crackers
ate a spoonful of honey hoping it would help my raw throat
mimicked some guy clip-clop staccato walking through carroll gardens
did NOT drink coffee
wanted to cuddle with a cat, not a kitten of my own
went (in route) to bed early

in chekhov class the other day, my teacher anya was talking about love and what an infinite, inexpressible phenomenon that it is. she heard this story of a child who was asked by his mother "how big is love? how big is your love for momma"
and instead of spreading his hands out and saying "THIS much" as so many kids do
he thought for a moment on "how big is love?"
and then he said
"it's the outside of the outside of the outside"

just think about that.